Drop dead exhausted. But thought I would post a bullet list and come back later to flesh it out. Flesh. Heh.

+ I burlesqued last night for the first time. schpahky, you were the Wind Beneath My Wings! Your entries on the process inspired me. I kept saying "I have to have a REASON to be disrobing, otherwise it's stripping, not burlesque..." Needless to say, for a girl who hasn't gone swimming or worn shorts in public for...um....a decade(?), this was a watershed moment for me. I dunno if I wrote of it here, but I designated 12 months of Doing Things That Scare The Shit Out Of Me and this was the scariest yet. Strangely, I was calm and unruffled (except my panties) when the time came at last and was able to have a blast up there.

- I had the H1N1 for a week and a half, after having a mysterious full body bacterial infection for 2 and a half weeks that Dr. thinks entered my body through an ulcer in my stomach - thus hitting me like a freight train. In short, I have spent much of the last 1.5 months in bed, sweating and fairly delirious.

+ I still love my job and all associated with it, including my clients who both shake and solidify my faith in humankind on a daily basis.

- I need some self care time, and it will be hard to find.

+ I am performing again TONIGHT and already know how to make it BETTER!

+ <3 !

+ life is definitely expanding. There was a time there when I wondered what people DO with their time. I mean instead of hanging in bars easily impressing drunk folk with what passes for conversation. Or putting all of one's energy into a Relationship. I think I figured out how to be with myself, no distractions. It's a huge relief. Not needing an audience.

- it is so time for me to get my metaphorical shit together. I need someone to come over and sit me down and go over Finances 101 with me. I apparently can support a family of 3 on a welfare check, food stamps and a couple hundred bucks in student loans - but I can't seem to pay the bills on time when I actually make enough. I mean I am poor, but I should not have to continue juggling like I do - I act like I have no money, still.

+ I went in and had an ADD eval with a P-doc. I told her about my hamster-brain. (How I have to distract one part of my brain with loud movies or music in order to focus on something like writing) and about my hyperfocus and how hard it is to finish something when the hyperfocus/crisis zone is over. So I have a day of testing May 7. Here's my worry - I RULE at tests. I test better than I not-test. Remember my LSATs? Haha. I am actually worried that I won't seem as messed up as I am!

- I fell off the wagon with running, like hardcore. My back hurt, my stomach hurt, yaddayadda. Whatever. Need to get back on it, it's been a week. It's gonna HURT.

+/- no desire to date. Can't decide if this is good or bad. I think sometimes that I should be out there exploring, but then I have, like zero interest. It's been almost a YEAR since Ash and I broke it off, and that's cool right? Since I lost my glasses and uber-shyness at 14 this is the first time I have had no crush interest whatsoever for, like, more than 48 hours. But I also wonder if my juju got broke. Now THAT would be so not-okay.

+ ash is my BFF. Which is super awesome and I do not know how I would have survived the last 12 months without her. We have negotiated the delicate task of setting boundaries where formerly there were none, and still maintained our ability to get mad at each other and get over it. I don't have to lose X, and she does not have to lose The Kid, and they still have us both on their team. So I guess we kept the good bits and threw out the rest.

- I am NOT feeling cute lately. Don't know how to fix this.

+ still love my job. Though I need some more self care time and rituals in my life - this requires more money. That's a -. I want to do yoga, but do not have the self-discipline and do not have the cash.

feminist_rage was subject to hacking and mass deletions of posts. As of the time LJ abuse suspended the account, years 2006 and earlier were gone.

I can't remember what year I started as a mod on f_r, 2003? Anyway, it has been a daily part of my life for years now, and I love it like a personality unto itself.

One of the things the community gave me was an unequivocally positive and long lasting experience working constructively and drama-free with other bad ass women. Since it was just me and hothead, up to our current mod-roll of 9 (?) It has been a joy to work the community with the Mod Squad.

That's years of no-drama, kids and it ain't cuz we all agree I assure you.

So the upshot is, I miss Rage already, but I know me and the Mods will get her up and raging again soon.

Because we hate freedom.

I've been having a huge amount of pain, ugh. The kind I get when I am overwhelmed and there is too much - what - transition, worry, stress going on.

So at my work, I am spoiled. Have I mentioned this?

Last Wednesday our parent educator, a masseuse (she teaches the women infant massage, even) gave me a massage. Last (I think) Thursday I got acupuncture for the first time (free!) When the acupuncture woman worked with our women (they get acupuncture 2x weekly for cravings, insomnia and stress.). And today I got another massage because I am still stiff and sore.

Yes, I make a minimum of money, but the perks are fantastic and my work cares about me, like for real.

Poll #1354572 pick my paper
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 25

what should i write my paper on?

Am so tired. Feel like I could go to sleep NOW. Today I watched two movies - Man on Wire (omg schpahky I am in love with it!) And The Changeling, which I was surprisingly not so into. I usually dig the Eastwood films, and am not anti-Jolie by any means. It just went on and on and felt like it needed an editor. I laid around and took a long soak and ignored the phone as one of The Kid's wannabe girlfriends called him incessantly - she just called 4 times in a row and did not answer, just hung up. HELLO *69. Gawd. Sadly I also did not answer at least twice when work called. Oops. I feel like poop and the Dr. Can't see me until Wed. By then I could have been on antibiotics for 48 hours and be better! Plllbt. Green snot. I need love. Send some?

I am researching a topic for my final paper in the class on screening and assessment of co-occurring disorders - i.e. - mental health disorders and addiction that exist in one person simultaneously.

General consensus is that 70% of addicts have a discrete diagnosable mental illness. This has huge implications for a system which treats addiction and mental health with two totally discrete systems of care and two completely separate professions - both of which are to stay OUT of each other's scope of practice. Dismal, huh?

I am getting certified in co-occurring disorders as I complete my addiction certification, but that does not make me a licensed mental health professional. I feel like I may need to figure out how to afford to get that mental health certification in order to stay relevent, but alas it would not come with an increase in pay.

Two totally separate worlds, historically- mental health professionals and addiction counselors. Their background and culture are often at odds.
Mental health has always required education in order to practice in a clinical setting, while addiction counseling arose out of sober support groups like AA/NA. Up until very recently, there was no educational requirement, and recently, an AA degree will suffice. You can see the conflict now, right?

We have one set of professionals who have experience and knowledge you can't learn in a classroom or from a book, and who relate to the clients in a direct personal way - "been there, done that, survived it." And then you have a profession which has an academic rigor and educational requirement that precludes many of the people it treats from entering the profession. Two completely different paradigms.

Now the state is professionalizing the field of addiction treatment, which is good, and also grandfathering in those who have been practising it who came from the old peer-to-peer model (which is also good). But this has the added effect of creating programs like the one I am studying in which turn out a class made up of mostly 22 year-olds who now have a BA in a related field like social work, and a certification (like a minor) in addiction studies. And some of them are going to be phenomenal, don't get me wrong. But some of them are in the field because they know social work jobs ebb and flow, but addiction funding is eternal - and I look at these students and feel like my clients will eat them.

I mean, sometimes my clients eat me. And I am not 22 and have lived with the antics of addicts all my life. Plus I was exhaustively trained, and am still highly supervised by, a kick ass team.

Then add to the mix that 2/3 rds of our clients need co-occurring integrated care,(as in not "I'll send you to outside therapy once a week and hope that bipolar thing clears up") and that the existing systems have a culture that makes it hard to communicate and collaborate - shit, how does anyone get well/sober?

And how much would we save in humanity and money if we figured it out?

Sigh. No solutions here, just clarifying the problem!

ASo last night was the final run on my week one of C25K. It is my second go at week one, but we'll ignore that part.

I ran while watching the Oscars and while sick. I have been sick all week, but am glad I took the advice of the runners forum and kept at it anyway, I'd feel like a total git doing week one AGAIN.

I had a lovely round of running intervals last night where I realized that I was breathing deep and regular and actually felt GOOD. As in, not like I was about to barf or collapse. So then I thought that runners had always seemed crazy to me. But that being able to run and feel good was worth the near-barfing. I used to joke that if I lived through a natural disaster, or an apocalyptic someting-or-other, I would totally be Piggy in Lord of the Flies. Everyone would be able to tackle me and steal my glasses and throw me off a cliff. I hate that feeling.

So.running and I are getting along, at the moment. I am resisting the urge to up my speed hardcore right now. The point is to be able to run 5k, not to be able to keep up with the runners I know. I can work on speed once I get there. I am psyched I can do this and improve with a head and chest full of green snot.

The skies are clearing up and the sun is making an appearance. My goal is that by the time of the spring solstice (1 month from now) I will be ready to go out and be one of those people who runs with her dog.

I have been meaning to post stats & pics, but it is not possible on here, mayhaps I will brave The Kid's room and do that this morning to the filter.

So I took advice from the running forum and waited until I was merely snotastic rather than achy, chills-y and feverish.

Hopped on the Beast and did my Week One routine while watching the Inspector Lynsey Mystery on the Ol' Peeb. (That actor would be the perfect Darcy- but enough about Jane.)

T'was fine. Not lovely, but doable. I did shorten the cool-down portion of the evening because I was feeling a twinge in the shins. I am the shin splint queen, btw.

All in all good. Everytime I take a break from running I am afeared I will never take it up again.

Also I outed myself to my moms about the undertaking and she was very psyched. She got diagnosed with diabetes last year and has radically changed her diet. Before the dx, she had decided to run a marathon, and her previous exercise routine was walking to work. She had injuries that stopped her at the 1/2 marathon point, but still - go moms. We talked about my bad genes - rampant diabetes on her side (maternal g-ma died at 47) - and the pear-shaped weight gain in middle age on the other side, which indicates a tendency toward heart disease. It's good to be able to talk about these motivators with someone without weight loss being mentioned at all.

Today I am feeling sick, but strong so I am off to do some ballet. How much you wanna bet it kicks my ass? No takers, huh?

Happy Birthday, bookgirlwa My prof read this poem and I thought of you and me and all of us women struggling, struggling, overcoming. (And not in the Brave Toaster way, neither.) I am sure D.H., the old drunk, meant it different than I do. But he is dead and I am not and so the way I see it wins!

“Healing”
D. H. Lawrence

I am not a mechanism, an assembly
of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism
is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the
Soul, to the deep emotional self.
And the wounds to the Soul take a
long time, only time can help.
And patience, and a certain
difficult repentance, long
difficult repentance, realization
of life’s mistake, and the freeing of oneself
from the endless repetition of the mistake
which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify.

Ash is struggling valiantly to vanquish the virii that have penetrated even my FOR PAY (ye gods) Kaspersky doohickey.


Blackberry is not connecting to the Intorwebs.


I am on The Kid's computer in the freezing back room, so generally will be out of touch except by phone. Email me if there is something massive, and I will check emails at workywork.


<3!

From the runners community. I think I found my soulmate.

(  Maybe they don't know that for some, the idea of jogging to the end of the block is so intimidating, you may as well ask me to run to Mars. Either way, I'll run out air and most likely DIE. )

After the snowshoe extravaganza, I was sore as hell. So I took a couple of days off and drank a lot of water and herbal tea. My last encounter with the treadmill brutalized me even at the first week's routine from C25K. Fail. But what a difference 3 hours of killing yourself on a mountain can do. I got on the Brute tonight and felt better than ever before.
( Read more... )
That's the details for you hardy souls. Feeling rather good about it, small though it be.

My desktop computer is riddled with virii apparently. I only have access via my as-yet-unnamed Blackberry. So if I miss something massive, drop me a line here in messages or on Facebook. <3.

Let me just preface this by saying that I am not an athletic grrl. Like not even a little. Though I am working on that. I have gotten a lot of crap about it from various people throughout my life and I hate doing anything physical in front of anyone because I feel weak and uncoordinated and embarrassed.

That said, I went nighttime snowshoeing with a co-worker and two of her friends, a nice mix of ages and personalities. This coworker runs the transitional housing program we have next door to the treatment house.

She had the brilliant idea of taking advantage of the almost-full moon and the 48" of snow on Mt. Spokane to get all wild woman in nature.

We started by going up up up. Many breaks were taken and it was so nice to feel like no one resented taking a rest to take in the scenery, catch your breath and describe exactly how much the mountain was kicking your collective ass. Brutal. Then we took a wrong turn, and ended up about 3/4ths of the way up the expert ski run.

The view was amazing and the moon and snow combined to make it bright and glowy out. The trees looked like they were dipped in sugar. We paused for a long look and some dark chocolate to fortify us. Then off we foolishly went down, down, down. One of us stayed upright the whole way. The rest of us tumbled, rolled, slid and scooted all the way down. Hysterically laughing at times, exclaiming at the view at others.

When we got to the bottom, we shared some hot tea and got our bearings to hike back to the car. Cruelly, fate had tricked us into a detour that took us to a lower altitude than the car and so we had to tromp uphill about a mile or more to get back. We had a blast. Everyone was so relaxed and good natured about the whole adventure. We were working it for about 2.5 hours of hard-core (for me) body work.

Am feeling really grateful for women in my life who offer these adventures to me though we don't know each other well. And for the space to be a novice outdoorswoman without feeling like I am irritating my co-adventurers. Am feeling gratitude for my body and the beginnings of my strength and stamina-building work that allowed me to get up there and see that amazing view.

My New Year's resolution was to get healthy and do things I have always thought I couldn't. Feeling pretty good about it today.

magnificentmndi meet rianlyn

You-all have SO much in common!

1. Put your iPod on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Analyze its accuracy.
5. Tag at least 10 friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you stole it from.

1 IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Waterloo - ABBA
Apparently if something is not okay with me I will starve and freeze you out, destroy all your hopes and dreams and then banish you to a small island.

2 WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Hello Mr. Heartache - Dixie Chicks
I am The One Who Got Away...

3 WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Ain't Got No Right - The Gits
"well I can hardly breathe when you're right in front of me.."

4 WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Random - Lady Sovereign
"Smokin' kills and so do my lyrics/ If you're poppin' pills then trust ur not wiv it /Cus I got da skills /And I'm over da limit"

5 WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Ellen D. - The Butchies
"Assume i'm gay like Ellen is"
This is fairly close to "Dykey Enough"!

6 WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
On The Verge - Le Tigre
"'Cause you know when you're around I can't get enough./ I'm gonna follow you, wait, straight into the late night./'Cause you're so on fire and you already know."

7 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Another Shot of Whiskey - The Gits (Yes, I have the whole discography)
"Don't know why all the good times have to turn-up with the bad"

8 WHAT IS 2+2?
All the Young Dudes - World Party
"We never got it off on that revolution stuff/What a drag, too many snags"

9 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Comanche - The Revels
Apparently I thing she's booty-shakeable

10 WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Love Me Or Hate Me - Lady Sovereign
"So everybody's entitled to opinions/ I open my mouth and shit I got millions."
I am so not kidding, this is what came up, y'all

11 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Last Day Of Our Acquaintance - Sinead O' Connor
Hmmm. Do I want to be a totally raw, intense woman who rips up pictures of the pope and refuses to sing the national anthem? Okay!

12 WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Material Girl - Madonna
"If they don't give me proper credit, I just walk away"

13 WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Sin Wagon - Dixie Chicks
"When it's my turn to march up to glory / I'm gonna have one hell of a story"
And they don't even know the half of it.
This song forms the end piece to my Rock Opera of Medea....

14 WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Anywhere I Lay My Head - Tom Waits
"Well I don't need anybody, because I learned, I learned to be alone"
Sounds romantic to me!

15 WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
It All Dies Anyway - The Gits
"Death is a sick way for attention /I think there's a little more to be said"
This is creepy.

16 WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Something Against You - The Pixie
"Oh yeah, I am one happy prick"
I can think of worse hobbies.

17 MYSTERY QUESTION?
A Change Is Gonna Come - The Gits
"It's been a long time coming/ But I know change is gonna come/ Oh yes it is"
Sing it, sister.

18 WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Seaweed - The Gits
"I'm sick of the pain that you're dealing in, it's weighing me down"
Boy howdy, am I

19 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Man of Constant Sorrow - Norman Blake
"For in this world I'm bound to ramble/ I have no friends to help me now."

20 WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Kiss the Bride - Elton John
That would be pretty embarrassing

21 HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Homesick - The Cure

22 WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Justify My Love
Falling for people I have to explain to my friends?

23 WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead
"She looks like the real thing/ She tastes like the real thing/ My fake plastic love."

24 WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Here's to Your Fuck
"Now baby this is the fucking end/ You sure do have a fucked up way of making friends."
Getting cheated on definitely will bring out the waterworks.

25 WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Public Warning - Lady Sovereign
"Yo, ladies and gentlemen this ain't no experiment/ It's the uneducated example of intelligence."
This does not seem to bode well. Maybe Penelope is referring to my last marriage. It would fit.

26 WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Do Right Woman
"They say that it's a man's world, But you can't prove that by me"

27 DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Fairfield Four - Lonesome Valley
Apparently not.

28 IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
9th & Hennepin - Tom Waits
"As the clock ticks out like a dripping faucet /Till you're full of rag water and bitters and blue ruin /And you spill out /Over the side to anyone who'll listen."
Being too trusting with my secrets, my loyalty and my heart.

29 WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Sacrifice - Elton John
Some things look better, Baby / Just passing through
This is a bummer survey (Also - for the record, I do NOT like all of Elton's songs, yo)

30 WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Baby, I Love You - Aretha

Penelope likes her Gits! 481 songs and she pulls The Gits up an inordinate amount. Awwww.

Reading Revolutionary Road and am almost done. I picked it up in an airport after reading bad_missy's post about it. I have not seen the movie, but I would agree that if the film does not go into the subtle and not so subtle ways that Frank tries to destabilize his wife, then it is missing part of the impact of the novel. Strangely I have been reading a lot about gaslighting as DV. Gaslighting is the insidious form of mental and emotional abuse that amounts to a campaign by one partner to make the other partner doubt their intuition, decision making skills and sometimes even their sanity in order to make them dependent. Yes, gaslighting is after the Ingrid Bergman movie....how cool is that.

One man blogged about how his ex-wife would hide one of his shoes, and sometimes move the furniture and then deny she'd moved it. I could see the character of Frank doing this, but more in the mode of disrupting his wife's feelings of being intellectually capable - and also of being adequate as a moral person.

It's a great book, I ate it up in short order. Only have about 15 pages left and still no idea what the end will bring. Highly recommended.

I also read I'm Looking Through You: Growing Up Haunted by Jennifer Finney Boylan. It is a very eerie book about the author's experience with seeing things not-quite-real while still not-quite-believing in ghosts. Intertwined with this is the memoir of a girl growing up in a boy's body and how she felt only half-real herself. I love the way the feeling of growing up in the seventies is spot on. It is written in a very gentle and sweet voice that gives you confidence in the truth of the writer. There is some really heartbreaking stuff in there, too. I read it in one long take on two separate flights to Austin. Also Highly recommended.

And I reread Dry I just fucking LOVE that book as a rule.

Here are eight red flags:
· puts on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness
· damages the images of most others
· has a history of past upheavals
· is hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them
· exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior — backwards reactions to things
· is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries
· is extremely self-absorbed
· has a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others

Iiiiiiinteresting....

Even more interesting is the perfect partner for a Narcissist - the Inverted Narcissist.

I have a dynamic that comes up with every single person I get close to, where I feel extremely competitive toward and envious of the other person. But I don't 'act' competitive, because at the very outset, I see myself as the loser in the competition. I would never dream of trying to beat the other person, because I know deep in my heart that they would win and I would be utterly humiliated. There are fewer things on earth that feel worse to me than losing a contest and having the other person gloat over me, especially if they know how much I cared about not losing (...) So most of the time I'm stuck in a state of deep resentment and envy toward her. To me, she's always far more intelligent, likable, popular, talented, self-confident, emotionally developed, morally good, and attractive than I am. And I really hate her for that, and feel humiliated by it. So it's incredibly hard for me to feel happy for this person when she has a success, because I'm overcome with humiliation about myself. This has ruined many a close relationship. I tend to get this way about one person at a time, usually the person who is playing the role of 'my better half', best friends or lovers/partners. So it's not like I'm unable to be happy for anyone, ever, or that I envy every person I meet. I don't get obsessed with how rich or beautiful movie stars are or anything like that. It only gets projected onto this partner-person, the person I'm depending on the most in terms of supplies (attention, reassurance, security, building up my self-esteem, etc.)...

Can't wait to share this with my clients. Were doing work on "Addicted to Misery", and the kinds of partners that codependent women attach themselves to.

We called a house group to watch the inauguration with the women of the house today and you could have heard a pin drop in the t.v. room. Three of my clients voted - which is amazing considering the felony rate around there.

O.K. so if you were there, you win, but if you weren't I WIN for best inaugural-watching.